Post #3: Dominating my Own Identity
As a child I was a tomboy. Most of my friends were guys. I’d race down alleyways on my BMX, often crashing into each other. Leaving bruises all over my legs that are still there to this day. I’ve always been a bit of an adrenaline junky, luckily I was allowed to play hard as a child. When I became a teenager everything changed. I started wearing make-up, got a weave, dressed more feminine and essentially became a ‘‘girly girl’’. I enjoyed the aesthetics of femininity, but hated the gender roles expected of me.
Whatever idea others had of me as a girl, I didn’t fit in. Smoking ciggarettes, shouting my mind, standing up for others, studying hard, being critical, making the first move, partying a lot. All these things summed up to me being the whore. Which I took on with pride, I didn’t want to be anyones Saint. The boys at my school hated me (and secretly wanted me). It was a weird dichotomy but I understood that they were too stupid to understand my range.
At the age of 23 I finally understood that I can take even more control over my identity. My trans friends taught me about the gender binary and cisnormativity. They made me understand that gender is a construct just like many things in our world. Feeling like an alien was second nature to me, I couldn’t relate to either men or women. I didn’t want to have to identify as anything really. Why couldn’t I be nothing? Or everything all-at-once? I didn’t want to be weighed down by the expectations of being a girl despite loving the aesthetics of girls.
As soon as I was introduced to the identity ‘agender’ I started identifying myself as that. To be agender is to not align with any gender at all. I am still super feminine and love the ‘girly girl’ aesthetic, I identify with being a femdom. But I am essentially agender, nothing, or everything-all-at-once. How do I like to be referred to? No pronouns, just my name, Syx or for my subs, Mistrix Syx.
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